Here are links to Parts 1-4 for convenience.
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-1?sd=pf
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-2?sd=pf
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-3?sd=pf
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-the-key-to-life-part?sd=pf
Listening to Understand
You can’t talk and listen at the same time.
Let people talk, and really listen!
Learn as much as you can about the person and his or her point of view, as discussed in the previous articles.
Ask questions to find out more about the person you are communicating with.
People will very often solve their own problems if you ask them to describe the problem, over and over until they solve it.
“Tell me about your problem.” When the person has done so, ask, “OK. Tell me a little more.” When the person has done so, “Thanks. What else can you tell me about that problem?” Then, “How does that problem seem to you now?’
You ask these questions with genuine interest, because YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW!
You don’t ask questions as a phony or artificial process or trick. You ask - in different ways - the person to describe the problem. As he or she does so, the problem will become less and less of a problem, its strength will get smaller and smaller, and usually the solution to resolve it will suddenly pop to view in the person’s mind.
NEVER try to solve someone’s problem. Just get them to describe it over and over, giving more and more data about the problem until the person suddenly feels better about it.
As an aside on this point of getting people to talk: if you let people talk enough, they will very often “sell” themselves on whatever product, service, opinion, plan or ideas you have.
Attention
As much as possible, eliminate distractions while communicating with another. Turn cell phone volumes and vibration off. Keep the phone in your pocket or handbag.
Keep your attention on the other person.
People know - consciously or unconsciously - if your attention is on them or something else.
Consider - really consider - people as important.
Look for and find qualities you like about the person.
Treat people with respect and even kindness.
Communicating Effectively with Children
Children respond very well to Ideal Communication as given in this series of articles. In fact, they respond much better than most adults.
Excellent, effective, ideal communication is the most important tool for a parent.
If your communication with your child is ideal, you will give him or her the greatest gift there is in life: the best foundation possible for a high quality, successful and happy life.
The quality of communication alone is the difference between a confident, strong, capable, happy, successful child and a child who is miserable, depressed, insecure and failing in life.
Communication is THAT powerful and important!
Remember the definition of Ideal Communication in Part 1?
Ideal Communication is a free-flowing exchange of ideas, thoughts, intentions, goals, purposes, ideals, concepts and emotions, from one person to another, in such a way that each person fully understands the other’s information, point of view, ideas, goals, problems and intentions.
This applies between parent and child, too.
Remember the two intentions you must have in order to achieve your desired outcome from every communication?
This exact same process works very well with children. If done right, it produces near-miraculous results.
Fundamentals of Communicating With Children
1
Perhaps the first and most important principle to know and use is that children are real people, just like adults.
The biggest difference is that children have smaller bodies and are learning how to use and control them.
But they can understand everything and anything if communicated to well.
Talk to a child as you would an adult, with all the love, affection, respect and kindness appropriate for a child.
2
Have your attention and thought on the child, as opposed to thinking about something else.
This can be difficult at times. Yet no matter what else is going on around you, no matter what problems are on your mind, do what you can to place all your attention and thinking on the child if at all possible.
3
Avoid “baby talk” - even with babies. Show children as much love as possible, while still communicating with them as adults. Children - even babies - respond well when they are treated with dignity and not as babies.
By all means play with kids as kids, let kids be kids. Have as much “kid fun” as possible. But communicate with them as you would an adult you love.
Ask yourself: “Would I talk to or treat an adult like I do with my child?”
If no, then change how you talk to or treat your child.
Of course, you would add more love and affection with a child, but still treat the child like an adult.
The child will greatly appreciate it, and will respond positively.
4
Communicate in such a way so as to discover and understand the child’s point of view, his or her desires and needs, motivations and so on.
Asking questions is a good way to achieve this.
5
Answer their questions fully and accurately.
Use every question as a positive learning experience.
Don’t blow off, dismiss or ignore a child’s questions.
If they’re smart enough to ask, they’re smart enough - and ready enough - to hear the real answer. Don’t give them a “child” answer. Give them the real answer while giving it in a way the child can understand.
Take time to explain things to them so they understand the subject, task, idea or situation.
6
Be patient with children.
Be willing to repeat something as many times as it takes for the child to understand.
When repeating something, simply repeat it with NO impatience, frustration or any other emotion.
You don’t have to say things like
“I told you already…!”
or “I’ve said this over and over…”
or “This is the third time I’ve told you…”
This is counter-productive and causes the child to withdraw, not listen, feel degraded, lose confidence or become angry.
Simply repeat what needs to be repeated as if you never said it before, as many times as it takes for the child to get it right.
7
Allow a child to help when they offer or ask to help, even if their help results in a mess or causes you to take more time getting something done.
The benefit to the child is infinitely more valuable than any inconvenience to the parent.
Not letting a child help “teaches” him that his or her help isn’t needed and wanted, that they are incapable of helping, and that they aren’t good enough to learn a task.
When a child asks to help with something you’re doing, you can always give a child something to do to help, no matter how small. But it should be something real and beneficial, not just a task to get them out of the way.
NEVER NEVER NEVER say no to a child when they ask to help. Let them help.
As part of this help topic:
Give the child a well defined role within the family, that includes responsibilities and work - no matter how small.
Have the child be responsible for his or her share of the household and family. Give him or her meaningful chores to do every day and week. Make children contribute to care of the home and family.
Start this at a very young age, even a year or two old. Give the child greater responsibilities as they grow.
Get the child to contribute in various way. Children should learn the value of contributing as early as possible.
Example:
Your 5 year old wants to clean up drink or food that spilled on the floor. You can do it far faster and easier. Let the child do it, no matter how bad of a job he or she does.
Steel yourself to let the child do his or her best.
You can offer to show the child some guidelines, but never take over the cleaning yourself. Encourage the child. He or she will get better and better over time.
Example:
Your 10 year old wants to help while you make some repairs on the home. Allow him or her to do something real, some actual help. Even if you want to keep the child safe, there will be something he or she can do that is an actual part of the project.
Don’t give the child a false thing just to get him or her out of the way. Give the child a real task that actually contributes to the repair.
Example:
Your child wants to open the door for you or a guest. Let him or her do that. If the door is too heavy or the child can’t reach the locks, give him or her a hand but let the child open the door.
This demands a lot of patience on the parent’s part.
The urge is “I can do it faster and better myself.”
Resist that urge. Don’t do it.
Let the child help. You might not consider it help, in fact the child could make an even bigger mess.
But in the child’s mind, he or she is helping.
Jumping in to do it yourself is a mental slap in the face to the child. After a few of these mental slaps, the child doesn’t want to help again.
Also, Let children work at their own pace. Don’t rush them or push them beyond what they can do at the time.
Children will get faster and better naturally, if allowed to work at their own pace without stressful pushing.
If you apply all these communication tools and points, you will have a much more enjoyable relationship with your children, and a much happier household.
And your children will have far greater self esteem and confidence.
They will develop much better social skills and abilities that will serve them well in their lives.
The 6th and final part of this Ideal Communication series will address communication, agreements and team building in business.