Here’s the link to Part 1 for convenience. Read this first, as Part 2 builds on the material in Part 1.
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-1?sd=pf
Part 1 ended with this important and key maxim:
The ultimate goal of any communication is UNDERSTANDING between all parties involved.
The desired end result, the desired outcome of any communication, is that both/all parties understand exactly what the other is trying to communicate.
If each person understands the other’s point of view, eventually some sort of agreement will be reached. There won’t be any unpleasant surprises or misunderstandings.
Let’s get into HOW to achieve understanding when communicating with another.
Point of View
An individual’s point of view is one of the most important ingredients to effective and successful communication.
What is a point of view?
A point of view is literally a point, spot or location a person is standing in or on, and viewing or considering something from that point.
Dictionary definitions of point of view:
a place from which one looks at something
a way of considering something or someone, or some situation or condition
an attitude of mind
Have you ever been in a plane or on a mountain top high in the air, and looking down you had a sense of being “above it all, above all the problems,” feeling less stressed and experiencing more freedom from the usual daily pressures and stresses of life?
Even a sense of peace?
Now, compare that feeling to being on the ground, in the middle of a large city.
Remember how different you felt mentally - possibly even spiritually - when you landed, and when you got off the plane into the terminal? Didn’t you feel slightly “down” or maybe “back to Earth” compared to the pleasant and carefree attitude when you high in the sky? Did you feel “the cares of the world” return suddenly? Did you feel a little “weight” return when on the ground? Did you miss being high in the air?
An individual’s point of view determines how he or she thinks about things, people, situations and life itself.
The same person can think differently about the same subject if his or her point of view changes.
An example of this is what we just talked about - being in the air, looking down at a city and having a sense of peace from the cares of the world, whereas there might be a great deal of pressure and stress “on the ground."
Another example of a change in point of view is getting a promotion to a management position. Your point of view changes now that you are on the “other side.”
A third example is growing up poor, then achieving some level of financial success. Or even the reverse: having a fortune and then losing it. One’s point of view changes significantly between having plenty of money and not having enough money.
Yet another example is being a child and having parents to deal with, then being a parent yourself. This is a complete reversal in one’s point of view.
What does all this have to do with communication and understanding?
Remember, the goal, the desired outcome of each and every communication, is UNDERSTANDING
UNDERSTANDING dissolves all problems. Understanding is the universal solution.
Understanding leads to agreements, solutions, answers, friendship, love, affection, cooperation, bonding, excellent relationships and so on.
Understand what? What understanding are you shooting for when communicating with someone?
You are looking to understand the other person’s Point of View.
The same object, problem or situation can look very different to different people depending on WHERE they are in relation to that object, problem or situation.
Who’s right in this picture, the woman or man? Both are right, FROM THEIR POINT OF VIEW.
If the man doesn’t understand the woman’s point of view, he could think “she’s wrong” or “she’s stupid” or “she’s crazy.” He could get very upset, lose his temper, say all the wrong things, create an upset and problem, destroy the relationship, etc.
AND ALL BECAUSE HE SIMPLY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND HER POINT OF VIEW!
If he made a sincere effort to know her point of view, he would instantly understand her answer and the entire situation.
What is a child’s point of view? How do children see themselves? Make the effort to ask and find out.
The old “glass half full/glass half empty” cliche comes from one’s point of view.
Understanding another’s point of view enables you to guide the communication to achieve a desirable and positive outcome that you want.
Understanding leads to
agreements
solutions to problems
excellent and fulfilling relationships
Ideal Communication as presented in Part 1 leads to knowing one’s point of view, which leads to understanding.
How to Achieve Complete Understanding
Don’t attempt to get the other person to like you. This is a big mistake most people make. Trying to get others to like you will actually cause them to back away, this will repel people to some degree. This is always an unconscious reaction. Also, trying to get others to like you puts you in an anxious state of mind - which creates only negative effects. Instead, find something you genuinely like about the other person. No matter how nasty or difficult a person may be, there is always something, even some tiny thing, that you can find to like. But it must be something real, something you genuinely like, not phony or made up.
Be friendly. Force yourself to be friendly if you have to, but also be genuine about it.
Be yourself, yet friendly.
Put your attention on the other person. Take attention off yourself and off any doubts or self-consciousness you might be experiencing. Have 100% of your attention and thought on that person, as opposed to thinking about something else. This can be difficult at times. Yet no matter what else is going on around you, no matter what problems are on your mind, do what you can to place all your attention and thinking on the other person.
Clearly define for yourself your intention, your goal, your desired outcome for each communication. Do this before every conversation, meeting, phone call, text or email. There is great power in this action.
Be genuinely INTERESTED in the person. Listen for real when the person talks to you. Listen with the goal of fully understanding what the person has to say - good, bad and everything in between.
Communicate in such a way so as to discover and understand the person’s point of view, his or her desires and needs, motivations and so on. Don’t communicate initially in order to teach something, or sell something, or convince someone to do or think something. Initially, communicate so you discover his or her point of view about things. Don’t try to communicate your thoughts, feelings, reality or “sales pitch” too early. Asking questions is the best way to achieve this.
Once you know and understand the other person’s point of view, then you can feed him or her a few thoughts of your own. The other person will be very open and receptive to listening to you, since you were so interested in them. Usually, it’s best not to give the other person too much information at one time, or monopolize too much time even though “it’s your turn.” Say what you want to say, but in “bite size pieces,” allowing the other person to digest your thoughts easily.
After you have communicated some of your thoughts, let the other person speak again. As before, really listen with the intention to understand what they’re saying and their point of view. Ask questions.
Go back and forth like this, exchanging thoughts and points of view. The rapport between the two of you will build up very quickly and to a high level - if you follow all these points.
The material, points and steps in this article - when applied exactly as written - work like magic and produce amazing results.
These points and steps can be applied to any rational person, in every situation and scenario - with family, children, co-workers, bosses, customers/clients, repair people, doctors, attorneys, the mailman and on and on.
All this will also work on psychotic people, at least bringing them up into a better state of mind and behaviors. But as soon as your conversation with such a person is over, they will quickly revert back to their previous mentally unstable state.
Part 3 will present a simple yet powerful method to obtain agreements with and by others.