Here are links to Part 1-3 of this series for convenience. Read those first as the information in this Part 4 won’t make as much sense without knowing the previous information.
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-1?sd=pf
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-2?sd=pf
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/communication-part-3?sd=pf
The Source of ALL Problems
EVERY problem contains a breakdown in communication one way or another:
Something wasn’t said that should have been said
Some important message wasn’t received or didn’t arrive
Something was misunderstood or mis-interpreted
Upsets weren’t resolved with good communication
Someone wasn’t aware of what was said by someone else
False information was spread or received
Someone didn’t completely and clearly define their desired outcome before starting a project or communication
Someone failed to acknowledge another person’s communication, problem, goals, dreams, fears, situation, etc.
A falsehood/lie/untruth/half truth was communicated and allowed to remain unchallenged
Someone who was committing harm to someone else wasn’t communicated to about their actions
An individual didn’t communicate to himself or herself the accurate, actual, true statement and picture of the situation and problem
Look over any problem you have ever had. You will find one or more of the above is part of that problem.
Even bigger than being a part of the problem. Such communication breakdowns CAUSE and CONTINUE all problems.
Any problem that won’t seem to resolve no matter how much attention, energy and effort you put in to solving it, has one or more of those breakdowns still in place and not resolved.
If any of these breakdowns in communication exists, a problem will occur and will continue until the breakdown is repaired and handled.
How do you handle any breakdown in communication? WITH IDEAL COMMUNICATION! Ideal Communication as presented in Parts 1-3. As much communication as it takes to dissolve the breakdowns and resolve the problem. Ideal Communication is the answer to any breakdown in communication.
Any negative consequences that occurred from poor communication is easily and quickly fixed with Ideal Communication.
The last breakdown listed - an individual didn’t communicate to himself or herself the accurate, actual, true statement and picture of the situation and problem - is possibly the most frequent and causative breakdown of all, and underlies all the other breakdowns.
The biggest weakness in all people is their inability to simply look at another person, sitar, condition, problem, upset, disagreement EXACTLY as that person or thing TRULY IS.
This inability has a couple of root causes, which are too complex to go into in this article.
If one has the ability to look at anyone or anything totally objectively, as it really is, with no emotion or bias, then the individual will easily and quickly handle and resolve all problems. In fact, if one had that ability, he or she would rarely even have problems occur. And is problems did occur around that individual, he or she would resolve it very quickly and easily.
There is a word that captures this ability to simply look at people and things as they truly, actually, really are - confront.
This is a misunderstood word. There are several definitions of confront in the dictionary, and as used by people in life. The meaning most people think of when hearing the word confront is a “hostile, painful or argumentative confrontation.”
This is NOT the original or best definition of confront.
Here is the definition that best defines confront, and is the definition used here and in all my communication articles and training:
facing and dealing with unemotionally and comfortably (as in a problem or difficulty); looking at something as it actually is so that correct action can be taken.
Facing something simply means facing it as calmly, unemotionally and calmly as possible. No animosity, no antagonism, no hostility, no fighting, no arguing has any part in simply facing up to something.
Every person on the planet has the innate, inner ability to confront anything - confront as defined above. There are drills and exercises that can be done to raise one’s confront, which my training company offers.
The point is to objectively, rationally, unemotionally face someone, something or a problem as that person, thing or problem ACTUALLY is.
Once that is done, the problem practically dissolves on its own. At the very least, the answer and solution to the problem is clear and obvious as soon as one recognizes the exact problem.
Apply all the knowledge, tools and procedures given in this entire series on Communication keeps problems from occurring in the first, or resolves them very quickly and easily.
If you know the above list of possible breakdowns in communications, you won’t fall into any of these traps and will be able to handle any problem quickly and simply.
If you can confront anyone or anything - a very difficult action for most people - then problem rarely occur or at least disappear fast.
You can contact me if you would like more information or help with this enormously valuable ability to confront life, people, situations and problems.
The Dreaded Conversation
Did you ever have a problem with someone, and you dreaded the next conversation you knew you had to have with this person?
Next time you are faced with such a situation, try this exercise:
Before communicating with the person, go to a relaxing place alone, with no distractions. This could be an hour, a day or several days before the conversation. Turn off the phone, computer, radio, TV, spouse and kids.
Get as calm and relaxed as you can. Then work out in your own mind - clearly and exactly - the end result you want to have from the conversation with the other person.
What do you want to have happen?
What is your desired outcome?
What is the win-win for everyone that is possible
What are your own intentions?
Do this as long as it takes to come up with a clear, defined, and exact end result that you desire and intend.
Then using this end result as the goal, map out the conversation.
You can even predict what the other person will say and work out the best responses based on your desired end results.
However, don’t let your predictions of the other person’s responses change what you truly want. In other words, if you think the person might react negatively, don’t let that possible reaction change what you want as the outcome. Keep your desired outcome in mind at all times. Don’t give up on what you truly want.
Instead, use those predictions to be prepared with good answers that move you toward your defined end result.
Think of all the possible scenarios that could occur during the conversation, and work through ideal responses to each scenario. Role play this out in your mind over and over. You can even talk it out verbally to yourself. I have done this out loud a few times in such situations and the end result was good.
Also, if any negative emotions pop up while considering this conversation, don’t allow those to cause you to decide that you can’t go through this or it’s not worth the effort.
Just continue working out the end results you want and all the possible scenarios that could occur in the conversation. Role play it over and over and over until you feel good about the conversation - or at least until you’re not dreading it anymore.
You will be surprised how much smoother and better the “dreaded” conversation goes if you’ve done this exercise completely and well in your own mind first.
But do this exercise in a calm, distraction-free environment.
This technique applies to your spouse, your children, your boss, your employees, your friends and family, your doctor - anyone.
Part 5 will cover more communication tools, especially communicating with children