Here are links to Parts 1 and 2 of this Communication series:
https://josephkerner.substack.com/p/how-to-create-the-life-you-want-part-080?sd=pf
Getting Agreement
Everyone wants to be agreed with. So much of life’s struggles and day-to-day challenges are wrapped up in people trying to get agreement from other people.
Parents want agreement from their children - to clean their messes, do their homework, be pleasant, be home at a certain time, etc.
Couples want their partners to agree with them and support them no matter what.
Home buyers want banks to agree to give them home loans.
People want their mechanics and repair companies to agree to completely fix a problem correctly the first time, at a reasonable price.
People want their loved ones who are addicted to drugs and alcohol to agree to get help and get off those substances.
People want others to agree with their opinions.
In business, owners and managers want agreement from their teams - to follow company policies, to work hard, to produce well, to follow the manager’s directions, to do the right things, and so on.
Ideal Communication is the key to getting these understandings and agreements.
There is a step-by-step process by which to obtain agreement with people in nearly every relationship, situation or circumstance. This process is very simple,but it works like magic.
The first thing to know is this general principle:
Getting agreement is simply the process of exchanging goals, points of views, ideas and concepts back and forth, back and forth, over and over until both parties reach an agreement.
First, define for yourself what you want to have as the end result of the conversation. What outcome do you want? What agreement do you want to achieve? You must have these very clearly in mind before you start to communicate with another.
Get to know something about the other person. Find out a little about the other person. Most important, what are this person’s goals, desires, dreams, fears, concerns? What is this person’s reality? The way to accomplish this is to ask questions, and really listen to what the person answers so you understand completely.
Find points in common with the other person. In Step 2, you asked questions and found out a few things about the person. Perhaps the person said something you like or agree with or have a passion for yourself.
Talk with the person about that thing or those things you have in common. Have some discussion about these points, exchange stories.
As you communicate with the person, YOU find something to like about the other person. Don’t try to get the other person to like you. The other person will like you naturally and at his or her own pace if you communicate well and as given here.
You never have to wonder or worry about another liking you. All you have to do is follow these steps of communication, and the liking part will follow naturally.
Knowing this, you can be relaxed in your communications.Continue to ask questions, get to know the person, understand his or her reality, build the relationship.
Continue to look for things to like about the other person. It might take some work with some people, but you will find likable points if you truly look for them.
After you have a fairly good reality on the person, and you feel the communication between the two of you is fairly good, then you can begin to present your point of view, your opinion, your reality or the points you want to make.
Present your points of view in a calm, smooth manner, without trying to convince the the other person.
Don’t convince - offer an idea.
Don’t be assertive - offer an alternative point of view.
Don’t push - invite the person to consider your concept or goal or plan.
Engage in a two way conversation.Exchange points of view back and forth with the other person. He or she communicates and you listen with the intention of REALLY listening and understanding. Then you communicate your ideas. Back and forth this goes until an agreement is reached.
Don’t be phony or syrupy-sweet just to pretend you agree with the other person. If you follow the above steps, an agreement will result.
Always be yourself when communicating. Always be real, while also being friendly and unemotional. It’s OK to disagree, and it’s OK for the other person to disagree with you. If you achieve understanding, any disagreements will be minor or at the least will not result in an upset.
If you practice these steps exactly as written, you’ll get better and better at communicating in an ideal manner, and generating more and better understandings and agreements with people. At some point it becomes natural and as easy as breathing.
A few important points related to the above steps to getting agreements:
Too often, people try to get agreement too soon and too quickly.
Too often, people try to “sell” their point of view and opinion to someone else, too soon in the communication process.
Too often, people try to convince someone to think or do something too early and too hard.
All of the points in this article well perfectly with approximately 90% of people. The remaining 10% give or take are either psychotic, too overwhelmed with problems or are sociopathic. It’s best to cut these people loose from your life. More on this important point in another article.
Misunderstandings
The main reason people don’t do what is expected of them is NOT because they refuse to do so.
95-98% of the time it is because people don’t know or understand all or part of what is expected.
They don’t have a clear picture in mind of the desired end result or outcome you have.
If you don’t know this, you will misinterpret other people’s actions 95-98% of the time, leading to mistakes, arguments and conflicts.
To avoid such misinterpretations, always “paint” a crystal clear picture of the outcome and end result you’re looking to achieve with the other person.
Once they see what you see, then they can either say yes or no. But no argument needs to happen.
Intended and Desired Outcomes and End Results
The first and one of the most important ingredients to Ideal Communication and achieving a desired end result it to have a crystal clear, exact, fully defined outcome in mind before starting any conversation or communication.
This MUST be worked out and clear in your mind:
What is your desired outcome for each communication?
What is the exact end result you want to achieve?
Having a clear intention for a conversation works just like having a goal.
If the goal/desired outcome isn’t clear in your own mind, the communication will be muddy, wandering and possibly result in an argument or disagreement.
Goals focus and strengthen your energies, your power, and your imagination - even your IQ. This is equally true for a “communication goal” - your desired outcome for each communication.
It could take a minute, an hour, a day or even longer to get clear in your mind EXACTLY what outcome you want to have from a communication. Whatever time it takes is well worth it. Your communication will be excellent or poor depending on how well you define your intended outcome before you start the communication with another person.
Here’s an example. This man doesn’t have a clear outcome in mind while he is talking to the woman (as represented for a bunch of jigsaw pieces mixed together in a jumble).
So naturally, the woman doesn’t understand what he’s trying to communicate - because he doesn't even know himself!
The answer to this if for the guy to get clear on his desired outcome, get clear on what he wants her to understand:
Once gets the exact picture in his mind, then he can apply all the points in this and previous articles on Ideal Communication to get her to understand his point of view, his thoughts, his intentions.
Listen to Understand
When the other person is speaking, really listen so you can understand what he or she is saying.
Really listen with the objective that you truly want to know this other person’s goals, thoughts, opinions and point of view.
What is important to this person?\
What does he or she want?
What are they really thinking?
Have both objectives clear in your mind when communicating with another:
Exactly what outcome do you want from this communications? What exactly do you want this other person to know and understand.
Really listen with the objective that you truly want to know this other person’s goals, thoughts, opinions and point of view.
As stated in Part 1, you don’t have to agree with each other. You just want to understand the other person and have the other person understand you.
Understanding comes before agreement.
Communicating so that all parties see and understand each other is easier for a physical thing, because you can show pictures and videos.
What about concepts and ideas? These require more skill. These require all the steps and ingredients presented in this and previous article in this Communication series.
If any of these fundamentals and steps are not done well, then full understanding is not achieved. Anything less than full understanding can lead to mistakes, mis-interpretations, arguments and upsets.
Part 4 will cover the source of ALL problems and how to resolve them with communication.